4 things/places that aren't getting my money!!!

and one thing I would spend money on #balence #listicle

You have to draw the line somewhere.

Here’s 4 places that aren’t getting my precious and relatively easy-earned money. (and one event that will be getting my money)

1: HAUS

if you have the word HAUS anywhere in the name of your establishment or brand’s name you will not be getting my business. Spritzenhaus. Doner Haus. Anything HAUS. I will not be swiping my card let alone stepping foot. Using Haus in the name your establishment is reserved for places where people in Austin meet up after their horny run club. I’m good on that one boss. Good luck.

2: A SINGLE COLD PLUNGE

I’ve been seeing ads for a spot in Williamsburg that does this. Major cattle behavior. I pay 15 dollars to sit in a cold tub like a little baby cow? Do I get slaughtered after too? What type of psycho just wants the plunge without the sauna? I was in Miami for a tennis tournament last year (alright FINE it was an ON brand activation) and I went to a free 15 minute Stretch Lab type place that “included” a cold plunge. The lighting was abrasive and not in the charming way like some Chinese massage spots. I actually felt worse, weirder and grosser after using this little blow up single use plunge. They always squeeze an Alibaba infrared sauna in the same room at these rinky-dink wellness places that might as well be called SWEATHAUS.

I am a big schvitzer and believe the practice should be treated with respect, so spend the extra 45 bucks and go to Spa88 or Great Jones for the day. (DO NOT GO TO QC ON GOVERNORS ISLAND. THAT PLACE IS THE MUSEUM OF ICE CREAM FOR BATHHOUSES)

3: IF I FEEL LIKE THERE’S A $1 VIBE SURCHARGE

The latest offender of this is a new cafe in Nolita.

I won’t name them because it doesn’t feel good to shame a small business. (I’m a VERY good person thumbs up)

I went into this unnamed coffee shop a few months ago for the first time with a 20 dollar bill. I left with two good iced coffees, two remaining dollars and feeling like I broke the rules for having a conversation while their hi-fi sound system played ambient beats. If I feel like I’m paying a 1 dollar charge per drink towards the speaker system or something that’s not central to why I am there in the first place… I will not be a regular patron.

This rule primarily applies to places I am looking to spend less than 10 minutes in. If I’m spending two hours at a fancy dinner then I want the place to have great “attention to detail” and I’m fine paying that vibe surcharge generally.

I simply don’t enjoy the feeling of being in an IRL third space thinkpiece while i’m just trying to consume caffeine. Too on trend. Too clean. Too much light wood with the stainless steel. Cafe Integral and Abraço are coffee shops. This shop and and many others are a content studio with coffee.

4: MEADOW LANE

While this may also fall into the $1 “vibe” charge there’s more dynamics at play here. I actually enjoy the owner’s digital presence from what I’ve seen. He seems like a delusional psychopath and that’s awesome. I just can’t in good faith give him money. This makes me more annoying than the people who are just like… “oh. yummy chicken salad. sure. i’ll buy it” but I just can’t. I can’t give in. If i was about to be publicly executed and was told you are free to go if you spend $54.67 on a maple matcha, chicken salad, Masa chips and two bottles of Loonen Sparkling Water I would emphatically spit on the foot of my executioner and say “Drop the guillotine you coward.”

That being said, I go to Happier Grocery all the time. It’s a significantly better operation and I’d rather be taken advantage of by some dark shadow organization backed by mystery money than boring old fashioned long island billionaire money.

It’s like that Julian Casablancas tweet about Urban Outfitters but for prepared foods.

It’s embarrassing when you bite on the proverbial cheese on the modern mouse trap but instead of a big SNAP you just hear the little Apple Pay dopamine *DING*.

AND LASTLY.. ONE THING I HAVE AND WOULD SPEND MONEY ON!

Seeing Frog live. They are like the White Boy Young Thug. In the sense that it feels like they just come up with fun riffs and loose ideas of how their voice is going to be pitched and fill in actual lyrics at the end. Here’s one of my favorite songs. They play at Webster Hall on September 30th.

Thanks for reading!